Things have been really good with HTA . I have no complaints - communication has been excellent since my last visit. He remains under a lot of pressure - some of it self imposed based on decisions he has made in how to handle certain things but again - all good.
I didn't cry after I left the last time - that was a first since maybe the 2nd or 3rd visit post our initial hook up which was almost 4 years ago that i didn't cry. I was sad b/c I already missed him and how he makes me feel but I didn't cry. Things were just good. I felt like I knew where things stood, where I stood, where we stood and for once was content to go with the flow and not obsess over every little detail or lack of detail on his part.
That changed last week. Much of it is probably in my mind - I know that. I tend to circle the drain and analyze over and over. Its something I cannot help.
"This" has been going on for almost four years. "This" has weathered some bumps and we have become closer in all of "this" as friends and I need to believe more. I have alluded to the bumps - but lets just say - they were significant. I learned a lot about him but I didn't judge - I supported him. I was the best non-judgmental friend above and beyond he could have asked for in that situation. I was his sole support for much of that for a very very long time.
Maybe I'm delusional in that deep down inside - I need to believe that based on all the actions over the last almost 4 years, all the conversations, all the texts, all the time together, the connection we share on certain things and the fact that we are literally 1000 miles apart and only see each other 3-4 times a year for 2-3 days a time, , that "this" is more then just sex. The distance alone makes it so easy for either of us to walk away...I have to believe it deep down. We dont' talk about it - its just unspoken and I think we both assume. But the thought that this is not on some level as important to him as it is to me is absolutely devestating. But I'm too much of a wimp to ask the question - what is "this"? To ask for a definition is scary but also not knowing is scary yet its as if that is what deep down I prefer b/c I'm avoiding any kind of reality I do not want to hear about.
How do I have the right? I'm the married one after all. I"m the one who has never alluded to things changing with my husband, who has never crossed the line of being friend with him on any social media network - has never really ever let him into my life other then what I tell him in our conversations. He has never asked but how can he - I'm the one with the limitations -i.e. a husband! How is it fair of me to ask ANYTHING of him when it comes to his personal life? He knows on some level that things are not good where I'm at with my husband, he knows about the counseling - but the fact we have not had sex in 3 years? He has no clue. I couldn't' tell him. Didn't want him to read into it one way or the other. So why is it fair to expect that i know everything? Its not. I'm sure of that.
My biggest fear has come to light in that he told me in conversation he is seeing someone. I've said in the past that I want him to be happy - I do. Just at no cost to "this".
It came out in conversation last week, he has a number of things going on and is at his maximum stress level. He needed to talk. He asked to talk. That doesn't happen much. We usually handle things via email or text. We talked and in the details of one story - he made some statement regarding to "seeing someone". My vision literally blurred and my mind was spinning - I couldn't focus on anything else he said. I was so proud of myself for not really focusing on it to him and not saying anything direct but I got the immediate knot in my stomach and probably could have hyperventilated had I not been talking to him. He downplayed it overall - no big deal kind of thing. I don't know whose benefit that was for or if it was even intended.
In hindsight - I don't think he intended to tell me. It came out in the context of a number of things going on with him that he is stressed out about and was part of a story. I heard him pause when he said it - like he realized he said it and then he started talking really fast. I asked a few questions surrounding the story and in those questions - I made it clear that I heard what he said but it didn't come across that I was interrogating him, etc. Just stating some facts and giving advice (none of which had to do with the person he is "seeing") but at some point in the conversation - I heard her referred to as his girlfriend. He didn't say "My girlfriend" - it was more in line with someone talking about him and saying "Oh your girlfriend". I can't remember how exactly - I just remember the word as it was like a big red neon sign blinking in my head.
Let me digress - in the almost 4 years that this has been going on - I know he has seen people off and on. I used to ask occasional if he was dating anyone and i would get the "Oh nothing serous" or "I do ok" kind of thing. I have not asked in a long time b/c of all he has had going on otherwise. It just never crossed my mind. But its not like I think he has been celibate these last 4 years outside of me or has not had other relationships. I just never knew about them with any certainty - I suspected but nothing was ever validated.
Now I know. I always told myself I wanted to know. I don't so much.
So the long and short of it was after our phone conversation, I texted him to tell him something and he responded right away and also added "Rest assured, just because I've started to see someone doesn't mean that anything has changed with you and me".
Momentary relief in my mind - nothing has changed.
But hasn't it? This has always been my biggest fear - that something will change on his side b/c nothing certainly has changed on mine. I'm so scared to go out there next b/c despite what he is telling me - that nothing has changed - if I sense something has, I"m going to be devastated. I"m scared to face reality on some level.
Here is what I go back to: He told me - he didn't have to. Why did he tell me? Is it serious and he is letting me know in the event it evolves into more or was it a slip? Why did he send the follow up text that it doesn't change anything if this was really serious with her...is it because he doesn't want it to change either or me to think it has changed? I'm sure there have been others that I jsut didn't know about.
The fact remains - he has never been faithful to anyone - his ex wife, girlfriends, etc - so in the big scheme of things - why is this different? Probably not but that is my fear that keeps me circling the drain - that this one is different and that is why he told me.
At the end of the day - I can't control his life and I just have to be willing to hope that this can continue on some level as right now - it is my lifeline of sanity and self worth- his friendship, his presence in my life. Just him.
I didn't cry after I left the last time - that was a first since maybe the 2nd or 3rd visit post our initial hook up which was almost 4 years ago that i didn't cry. I was sad b/c I already missed him and how he makes me feel but I didn't cry. Things were just good. I felt like I knew where things stood, where I stood, where we stood and for once was content to go with the flow and not obsess over every little detail or lack of detail on his part.
That changed last week. Much of it is probably in my mind - I know that. I tend to circle the drain and analyze over and over. Its something I cannot help.
"This" has been going on for almost four years. "This" has weathered some bumps and we have become closer in all of "this" as friends and I need to believe more. I have alluded to the bumps - but lets just say - they were significant. I learned a lot about him but I didn't judge - I supported him. I was the best non-judgmental friend above and beyond he could have asked for in that situation. I was his sole support for much of that for a very very long time.
Maybe I'm delusional in that deep down inside - I need to believe that based on all the actions over the last almost 4 years, all the conversations, all the texts, all the time together, the connection we share on certain things and the fact that we are literally 1000 miles apart and only see each other 3-4 times a year for 2-3 days a time, , that "this" is more then just sex. The distance alone makes it so easy for either of us to walk away...I have to believe it deep down. We dont' talk about it - its just unspoken and I think we both assume. But the thought that this is not on some level as important to him as it is to me is absolutely devestating. But I'm too much of a wimp to ask the question - what is "this"? To ask for a definition is scary but also not knowing is scary yet its as if that is what deep down I prefer b/c I'm avoiding any kind of reality I do not want to hear about.
How do I have the right? I'm the married one after all. I"m the one who has never alluded to things changing with my husband, who has never crossed the line of being friend with him on any social media network - has never really ever let him into my life other then what I tell him in our conversations. He has never asked but how can he - I'm the one with the limitations -i.e. a husband! How is it fair of me to ask ANYTHING of him when it comes to his personal life? He knows on some level that things are not good where I'm at with my husband, he knows about the counseling - but the fact we have not had sex in 3 years? He has no clue. I couldn't' tell him. Didn't want him to read into it one way or the other. So why is it fair to expect that i know everything? Its not. I'm sure of that.
My biggest fear has come to light in that he told me in conversation he is seeing someone. I've said in the past that I want him to be happy - I do. Just at no cost to "this".
It came out in conversation last week, he has a number of things going on and is at his maximum stress level. He needed to talk. He asked to talk. That doesn't happen much. We usually handle things via email or text. We talked and in the details of one story - he made some statement regarding to "seeing someone". My vision literally blurred and my mind was spinning - I couldn't focus on anything else he said. I was so proud of myself for not really focusing on it to him and not saying anything direct but I got the immediate knot in my stomach and probably could have hyperventilated had I not been talking to him. He downplayed it overall - no big deal kind of thing. I don't know whose benefit that was for or if it was even intended.
In hindsight - I don't think he intended to tell me. It came out in the context of a number of things going on with him that he is stressed out about and was part of a story. I heard him pause when he said it - like he realized he said it and then he started talking really fast. I asked a few questions surrounding the story and in those questions - I made it clear that I heard what he said but it didn't come across that I was interrogating him, etc. Just stating some facts and giving advice (none of which had to do with the person he is "seeing") but at some point in the conversation - I heard her referred to as his girlfriend. He didn't say "My girlfriend" - it was more in line with someone talking about him and saying "Oh your girlfriend". I can't remember how exactly - I just remember the word as it was like a big red neon sign blinking in my head.
Let me digress - in the almost 4 years that this has been going on - I know he has seen people off and on. I used to ask occasional if he was dating anyone and i would get the "Oh nothing serous" or "I do ok" kind of thing. I have not asked in a long time b/c of all he has had going on otherwise. It just never crossed my mind. But its not like I think he has been celibate these last 4 years outside of me or has not had other relationships. I just never knew about them with any certainty - I suspected but nothing was ever validated.
Now I know. I always told myself I wanted to know. I don't so much.
So the long and short of it was after our phone conversation, I texted him to tell him something and he responded right away and also added "Rest assured, just because I've started to see someone doesn't mean that anything has changed with you and me".
Momentary relief in my mind - nothing has changed.
But hasn't it? This has always been my biggest fear - that something will change on his side b/c nothing certainly has changed on mine. I'm so scared to go out there next b/c despite what he is telling me - that nothing has changed - if I sense something has, I"m going to be devastated. I"m scared to face reality on some level.
Here is what I go back to: He told me - he didn't have to. Why did he tell me? Is it serious and he is letting me know in the event it evolves into more or was it a slip? Why did he send the follow up text that it doesn't change anything if this was really serious with her...is it because he doesn't want it to change either or me to think it has changed? I'm sure there have been others that I jsut didn't know about.
The fact remains - he has never been faithful to anyone - his ex wife, girlfriends, etc - so in the big scheme of things - why is this different? Probably not but that is my fear that keeps me circling the drain - that this one is different and that is why he told me.
At the end of the day - I can't control his life and I just have to be willing to hope that this can continue on some level as right now - it is my lifeline of sanity and self worth- his friendship, his presence in my life. Just him.
One of my all time favorite movie quotes (from Hoffa) "don't ask for something that's going to be a burden for ya' once you get it."
ReplyDeleteI know that is cold but I think unless fate delivers you to the same town you have to be content with what you have and don't think about down the road. Here you just have to live in the moment, don't overthink motivations.
Ryan - I agree with your quote - don't ask to know something you really don't want to know. Not that I asked but in the past I have pushed to know more then I probably really wanted to. I need to live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is. Easier said then done my friend but appreciate your words!
ReplyDeleteHaving had two lovers who were single, and becoming more attached than I planned with each, I know that there is nothing that you can do about how you feel. It is not right or wrong it just is. So yes, affairs are all about moments. They are wonderful when you have them but much of the rest of the time kind of sucks.
ReplyDeleteMy philosophy on this is really simple. There is nothing you can do about it, it will hurt like hell when it ends. And you know that some time it will end. So in the meantime, make sure it was worth it by sucking every bit of the marrow out of it you can.