QUIT OVERTHINKING THINGS!

I flew out and was able to see HTA for a few nights.  Despite the revelation that he had started seeing someone just over a month ago - things seemed exactly the same physically and emotionally - I didn't sense any awkwardness and the amount of time that he spent with me told me that nothing has changed. 

The first night - he arrived earlier then I expected - he had to work until 10 and is always notoriously late - its a joke where I ask him what time he will be there and to ensure he translates it to the "HTA time zone".  He stayed until nearly 10 am the next morning.  We talked, had sex, talked, slept, had sex again, slept, talked...I kept waiting for him to have to leave in the morning as i really didn't know his plan - he normally has to leave early for work or kids.  .  It was odd though in a way ...kind of uncomfortable for me - having him there while I shower,  dry my hair, get dressed, put my makeup on, do my hair, take a few work calls, walked me to my car - tell me to have a good day.  It was NORMAL.  It was weird.

I felt blah the whole day - I was just "off" and I couldn't pinpoint why.  My head was in such a strange place about him...he stayed with me all night...things were just like they always were - I didn't sense any change in him despite the fact he may have a GF.   He has been sick and on meds and was very congested and looked so tired or stressed.  He needed a haircut - his appearance threw me off  - sweats, t-shirt, etc (not normally what he wears) but again - no different then the real world and a normal relationship - no one is going to be "on their A game" all the time - and he was sick.  It would be no different then if I saw him every single day as i know I"m not always on my A game every day - but again - this is a change for us.

Everything was fine overall sex wise - very good for me but he had issues coming which has never EVER been an issue.  I felt like I was not doing something right - I mean I have a husband who can't get a hard on and a lover who cannot come???  What the fuck. i am damned if i do and damned if i don't.  He kept saying he thought it was b/c he was tired/sick/meds, etc - not sure - I didn't want to make a big deal about it so I let it go but same issue in the morning when we had sex again.  Now the good thing - it was really hot, no issue staying hard, I didn't walk away unsatisfied - we literally fucked for over an hour the first time and close to an hour the second time.  I couldn't complain from my personal satisfaction perspective!!

But something was off with me...its like all the shiny wrapping paper has come off the package and i see him for what he is...fucked up flaws and all ...and by no means am I perfect...I am flawed beyond belief but it’s like I have gotten to know him so well in the last year -all that wrapping paper has come off and I see him for what he is which is human and  what "normal" would be if we were in a normal situation which we will never be.  I laid there while he slept and watched him for a long long time  and know that it does not change that i still care about him but on other levels he has lost his allure b/c i do see some of the decisions he has made that I don't agree with and knowing all that I do know about his life...the grass is not so green anymore...

I know I care about him and its not that I question ending this but I feel like I'm in this position where I'm constantly trying to help him/support and worry about him.  In his defense, he does not ask me for anything other then the occasional ear when he needs to vent - I'm just a rescuer type person by nature.  That is my fault - not his.  
 
Which leads to that while I know him very well, there are many many things I don't know about him and things I may totally be in the dark on.  Certain things we just don't talk about - I don't talk about my marriage in any detail and I don't ask about his personal life outside how his kids are,  a specific situation he has going on and that is about it.  I know he is a player, he may be an aging player but he is definitely not going celibate between my visits  - girlfriend or no girlfriend.  But what else is there that I do not know???  I know so much about him and some issues he has had but is he that much more fucked up and I don't even know?  That is what bothers me the most....what do I not know but yet I have invested so much into him and "this" for almost 4 years.   
 

I know deep down my husband is the person I need to work to spend my life with but I just can't imagine not feeling that connection and the sexual connection and fulfillment I feel with HTA. He makes me feel normal - desired - attractive.  I don't' know when I will see him next - it may be as long as 6 months so I guess I just need to go with the flow and not over-think things until I am ready to have a real conversation with him about what "this" means other then what we both allude to it meaning on the surface.  That is my issue not his as I'm the one not ready to bring it up.

And then just now he texts me - and my heart just skipped a beat when I saw his name come up and my smile comes back..he has that effect despite everything else.