Long overdue for an update...

I'm long overdue for an update but this will have to suffice for now.  Is anyone still even out there?  It seems like a lot of the blogs I used to follow are no more so please if you have any good new reads - comment and let me know and I'll check them out.

My relationship with HTA continues...almost 6 years - WOW.  Makes my head spin a little when I put a timeline to it all.   Things continue to work for us - what this is.  I think both of us are entirely comfortable with how this is currently defined and neither of us has expectations for more or less at this point.  I've seen him twice in the last few months which is more then usual and been VERY nice to say the least.

A friend i met through this crazy blogging world sent me a link to an article the other day.   It really made me think. 

So I've copied the article below...and inserted my commentary as somewhat an exercise for myself to try and put this in perspective.

8 Signs You ARe in Lust and Not in Love:

I’m preparing to move to Paris for about a year or so. One of the major things this involves is getting rid of stuff that I should have tossed forever ago, but just haven’t yet. While tossing clothes and shoes is emotional enough in its own right, what’s really killing me the most is my “box of yesterday.”
True to its name, my “box of yesterday” is a nightmare collection of things from past relationships. I say nightmare, because who saves receipts from Brooklyn Bowl because it has an ex-boyfriend's name on it? This gal. Who thinks it’s necessary to keep shreds of a ripped T-shirt from a wrestling match after too many martinis? Me, obviously.
The project of weeding through these things and deciding which is reasonable to keep and which solidifies me as a straight-up lunatic has forced me to face a fact: My last relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality it was nothing but lust tangled up with infatuation, and because of it I was the most unstable, crazy, jealous, human being I’ve ever been. Looking back now, I blush at who I was, and that I was capable of such insanity because of a man.
With those days officially in my past and locked there safely so I can no longer touch them, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with a guy whom we’ll call “C,” but in lust.
Here’s what I learned from it all. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I suggest you run like hell. Now.

GLNO:  I am this CRAZY person who saves random things from when I see him.  Is the fact that I have every single key card from every single hotel we have stayed at a little creepy?  Or the bottle cap from his beer last time, or the straw from his mixed drink?  Lets not even go into the receipts and travel details I save or the special annotations on my wall calendar in my office that only I understand.....yep lust obsession at a minimum.   Though I will say not as bad as I used to be....if that even means anything.  

1. There’s more fire and less stability

Love — real love — is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, fire can be part of the equation, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional gut blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.  

GLNO:   Oh there is fire alright - no doubt about that.  Chemistry and sexual fire but not really disagreements or drama. I think I have verbally only expressed to him once or twice that i was pissed at him  and he was genuinely apologetic.  Otherwise  - he really doesn't make me mad other then annoying me that he's almost always late.   What bothers me are things he has been less then truthful about - not lying but not being open and forthcoming about  things I have learned on my own over the last few years.  THings I personally chose to go dig for and find out b/c things were not adding up.   I consciously continue to choose not bring those things up to date and to live with it as none of it directly impacts me and our situation.  I've spent way to much time trying to understand his inability inability to be more open and honest as at the end of the day - I'm the one that has everything on the line if caught.  But I don't understand it.  Someone suggested once that he may be scared it will push me or scare me away and he made an offhand comment once why he sometimes wonders why "i am still around".  However his inability to be open and  honest is a common theme for him and with everyone - not just me.  To that point - he has never let me down, not met the expectations I have of this or blown me off.    

So for item #1 - while I want to say its 50/50 - its really lust that wins b/c if it was love - we would be able to be 100% honest.  .And if I brought them up - there would be major drama. ON his part for not being truthful about basic things and me for digging it all up.  Not worth it.  One day I'll ask the one that bugs me most but for now - I'm riding it out.

2. You focus more on the outside than inside

I could stare at C for hours. I was so enamored with his beauty. To me, he was gorgeous from head to toe without a single flaw to be found. I was obsessed with his beauty, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to “tap that” at the end of the night.

GLNO:  HTA is beautiful.  He's sexy.  He is smoldering hot.  Everyone may not think so but he completely does it for me.  He's in his mid 40's and built like a brick wall. He may not be like he was in his college days but he is sexy as hell.  He has this smirk and these milk chocolate brown eyes..I"m obsessed with his hands - they are strong and big and I don't know - I focus on that in pictures just as much as his face.  He's much more masculine then my husband with somewhat of a bad boy player persona.  .I do appreciate that I get to "tap that" when we are together.  That I get to "tap that" multiple times and that the chemistry has not lessened over the years.  I am obsessed with him on some level - but the distance that we are apart keeps it all in check. Focusing on the inside, him as a person - I think he is a good man and a good father. One that wants to do the right things but is really fucked up and that devil sitting on his shoulder overrules him sometimes in making the right decisions - especially when it comes to women.  He doesn't do drugs.  He doesn't drink very much.  His vice is women and being faithful from everything I've learned about his past and what i know about the present.  I don't think he could ever be in a faithful relationship - he has yet to achieve that obviously in the last almost 6 years I've been part of his life.  If I ever did think outside of what this is right now - there is no way I could ever trust him or it would work.

#2 - LUST WINS - I avoid the reality of his behavior in his real world and focus on the chemistry and him.

3. You prefer the fantasy

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

GLNO:   In the beginning, I wanted more - I wanted vacations, and possibly way down the road something more - visions of leaving my husband, etc.  There is a small part of me that still at least wants more then seeing each other every few months in a hotel room and going out to dinner occasionally  (i.e. vacation away,etc ) to see if its a possibility there could be more but I'm no where ready to change my situation at home in the near future and in honesty - I don't think it will be more then this but I live in my fantasy world that this can continue forever - nothing will change and we will remain part of each others lives on this level.  Deep down - I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to WIN and it be on my terms if it ends but I don't know when that will happen b/c right now - I can't fathom not having him in my life at some level.

#3 - LUST WINS- I don't' know that I could ever trust him as I've stated so I continue to live in a fantasy world that he will change and/or this will just continue forever with no bumps in the road.  

4. Why aren’t we having sex right now? 

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

GLNO:  NO question - LUST wins.  I do really enjoy hanging out with him and catching up and talking about personal stuff but once that's done and we are watching a football game or something - I'd much rather just be having sex and then having sex again and again and again.  I'm insatiable when it comes to him.  

5. You’re not friends

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more.

GLNO:  We are friends without a doubt.  We talk/text all the time about things outside of this situation.  Rarely is it about sex outside of when we are actually together.  I value his friendship - is he fucked up ? Yes.  Am I fucked up  in different ways?   Yes.  But he makes me laugh and I seek him out for support for many things.  Because of the distance  - its not as easy as getting together to just fuck and go our separate ways, there is planning and coordination and keeping our "relationship" going in the interim has grown our friendship.

#5 - Love.  Love our friendship, what this has developed into - its not always all about sex although that's a big component - I still would want him around in my life without the sex .  I think if distance was not such an issue - I wouldn't be as obsessive about the sex as I am b/c it would be more frequent and consistent.   But bottom line, we couldn't have the connection that we do and the chemistry that we do without the friendship.  

6. Intimacy doesn’t exist

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

GLNO:  Intimacy does exist between us.  Its not just wild dirty sex - there is passion, tenderness, there is cuddling, there is holding each other and hugs and kisses.  Its not a wham bam and done

#6 - Love wins.  Its more then just sex.  

7. You experience intense neediness

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

GLNO:  This is a mix.  We don't talk as much as we used to.  There are times I get pissy b/c he hasn't responded to something (which is usually something inane I've sent him that requires no response but I get paranoid and he always responds in the end).  The fact that i have some insight into his world that he is not aware of (via the joys of social media) helps keep the crazy in check.  I"m extremely needy when we are together - waiting for him to arrive and  expectations but i never let it show and he really doesn't know. He has never let me down.  I just get uptight until all the pieces fall into place and he is walking through giving me a hug.

#7 - 50/50.

8. The feeling is conditional

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.

GLNO: I don't' know how to answer this.  I know he has a GF (or at least at last visit he still did)  I don't think aside from me that she is the only person he sleeps with but I don't think aside from me there is someone consistent in his life.  I don't think it is within him to be faithful...ever.  I could sleep with someone else and probably not feel guilty for that fact but I don't want to sleep with anyone else but him and I have not yet.  I can say with certainty that if we were together long term in the same city - I would NOT sleep with anyone else.  He knows my husband and I have not had sex in a long long time.  He knows we are going to counseling.  He also knows i"m not sleeping with anyone else.  I don't ask him that - I just have asked him to ensure he doesn't put me at risk with his behavior. 

#8 - Love (fucked up but Love)

Summary:

Total Tally:  Lust wins.  Lust 4.5 vs. Love 3.5

I'm not surprised by this - it's a fucked up situation I readily say that i can't see working long term b/c of his issues but I keep going back.  I question why his GF is with him b/c he is fucked up and she does know everything I've found out but I keep going back.  Its lust - its the chemistry - its him and the physical attraction that keeps pulling me back.  The physical reaction I have to seeing him and the physical reaction that I even get in the anticipation of seeing him falls into the Lust category.  No question about it. 

But I do care about him - I do love him on some level but not on the level of the love I felt for my husband when I married him.  He gives me something I don't have anymore that I really need right now - he makes me feel wanted.  He told me recently that i was the most solid person in his life (which is scary) and at the same time, I know he needs me too on some level.