Luck

I didn't post last anniversary for whatever reason. Now are at 8 1/2 years since we met...Not sure why I didn't post but things continue with HTA.   Both of us at similar places in our lives with significant others (and no intent on changing) kids off to college, etc but yet we still have this connection that when we see each other it's like no time has passed.   We probably see each other a little less due to schedules and less opportunities to travel near him for me but it doesn't seem to matter and we make it work when we have time.  We text almost daily and I wouldn't trade the friendship for anything.  He just gets me.

Spent last night together after an almost 6 months gap and fell asleep holding hands just for the need to continue to touch.  I can't ever get enough of him.  It continues in that  "it is what it is" and it stlil works. 

I came across this the other day and I may have posted it before but its so accurate I need to write it down here so I don't forget it:

"Sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together.  As lovers,or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different.  You just work, whether you understand one another or you're in love or you're partners in crime.  You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstance and they help you feel alive.  I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but its definitely makes me believe in something."

3 Loves in a lifetime.

This really hit home for me.

http://theusualroutine.com/2016/11/28/fall-love-3-people-lifetime-one-specific-reason/

“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown

7.5

So our 7^th year marker went by last April and I didn’t post.  Not sure why.  Not sure anyone even is out there but that is ok.  This is more for me as much as anyone who may still read it.     It’s funny – I didn’t really think I would blog anymore.  Not because this had ended with HTA but just because the urge to document and write had ended on some level.  But then the urge hit me again.

I’m currently going to travel soon to HTA’s city.  I’ve seen him twice in the last 6 months for a few nights each time so that has been amazing.  Overall this year I think this is probably the 4^th time I’ve seen him .  7 ½  years as I write this.  Wow.  So much has changed but yet remains the same. 

What is different this year?  It’s all on the table.  There were things he had not been honest with me about.  Things he didn’t outright lie but was never forthcoming with and I finally brought it up last fall around this time.  He immediately told me it was true – no hesitation on his part and we had a long discussion as to why he was not honest from the beginning.  I’ve alluded to it on this blog but not going to rehash it here but it’s not criminal or horrible.  It’s nothing that directly impacts me but always really really bothered me as to why he had not been upfront from the beginning as it would not have made a difference either way.  It now explains why he has chosen to handle similar situations that occurred later in life the way he did and it kind of was the missing piece to the puzzle in me figuring him out a little better.  

He’s had the same girlfriend for about the last 4 years.  He said he will never get married but that she wants it.  I’m not sure if she thinks he will change his mind?  I don’t see it happening.  He readily admits he’s not a good boyfriend (and that is not in relation to him cheating on her) and is quite content by himself and does not the feel to always have “someone” in his life.  That part I don’t really understand is how clear he has been to her on this and if she really has the message he doesn’t see it in their future.  I also wonder if she is waiting for the youngest to graduate and then the need for the separate houses, etc would end and she thinks that would change something.   I don’t claim to understand their relationship but apparently it works for him and it works for her.   It doesn’t threaten me because it has never changed what “this” is.    I do find it interesting though.  

Where are we? The chemistry – the connection.  It’s still all there.  I love our connection – the sexual chemistry.  How I still get nervous before I see him and am a little standoffish at first like I’m afraid to get too comfortable  How each first kiss upon seeing him again reaches gives me butterfly’s again - how he makes me literally gasp when he enters me for the first time after not seeing him for a few months.    The electricity it creates.  How he can get me to places where I literally become unintelligible in what I’m saying to him.   All our silly conversations and jokes that we have that live on forever.   Hanging out with him on just watching TV and being “normal” in that it is not all sex.  We talk weekly sometimes more but usually via text.  I know enough of what he has going on in his life but not everything.  I tend to be more of an open book.  I need to work on that on some levels.  We are not Facebok friends which I think is good.  There is still a line drawn in the sand about how much I want to share from a day to day perspective.   I know it would bother me to know more details of his day to day and where it involves his GF.  

What is next?  Not sure. I will have multiple opportunities in the coming 4-5 years to be within 3 hours of him and how much I make an effort to get to see him on my own dime is completely up to me.  I think it will be more frequent but for only a night or two.  

As I’ve said in previous posts “it is what it is”.  I don’t want it to end.  He is important to me, it’s more than sex but will never be more in terms of relationship than it is right now and I’m still ok with that.  Having him in my life is all I need right now.  

I leave you with this.  I have always been obsessed with his hands.  I couldn’t resist getting this picture.  He just shook his head at me…he doesn’t get it but humors me.  

Six Years and Counting

Last week marked the 6th year since I met HTA.  Funny how circumstances could have been so different. All due to a forgotten phone and going back to retrieve it did we meet. 

I'm thankful he is in my life.  I sometimes wonder where I would be or what would be different if I had not met him. It literally makes me feel empty inside - thinking of him not in my life on some level.  But would my marriage be different?  Would I be happier with my husband without his distraction? 

I don't think anything would have changed with my marriage as far as staying married.  Being with HTA in some way made me push harder to try and make things better b/c I saw it was possible to "feel" again and felt better about myself to push and assert myself.  Are things better with my husband?  They actually are.  Physically nothing much has changed but at a minimum, I know we are communicating better and counseling has helped.  Will it ever get to the point that I just want to be friends with HTA?  I don't know.  Its not there yet.

I don't  regret anything that has occurred the past 6 years.  It has run a full circle on where my head was during specific time frames and what I thought I wanted vs. needed.   I think for once, he and I are probably as close to being in the same place then we ever have.  We don't talk or text as frequently - both of our "real" lives are increasingly busy but both of us are there for each other if something comes up.  We do communicate at least weekly and that works for both of us. I no longer get anxious or over think when I don't hear from him for a few days.   I still get butterflies when I see him, he says the build up to seeing me is almost unbearable once he knows dates and plans are set (our texts building up what is going to occur when we see each other is the reason I'm sure!).  The physical connection is still amazing, the sex is still unbelievable and I don't have any intention on changing anything from my side. 

Looking forward to seeing each other shortly and then again in a few months.  It continues to be the motto of "it is what it is" and I'm thankful we are both completely on the same page with why we are OK with that and why it continues.  

Long overdue for an update...

I'm long overdue for an update but this will have to suffice for now.  Is anyone still even out there?  It seems like a lot of the blogs I used to follow are no more so please if you have any good new reads - comment and let me know and I'll check them out.

My relationship with HTA continues...almost 6 years - WOW.  Makes my head spin a little when I put a timeline to it all.   Things continue to work for us - what this is.  I think both of us are entirely comfortable with how this is currently defined and neither of us has expectations for more or less at this point.  I've seen him twice in the last few months which is more then usual and been VERY nice to say the least.

A friend i met through this crazy blogging world sent me a link to an article the other day.   It really made me think. 

So I've copied the article below...and inserted my commentary as somewhat an exercise for myself to try and put this in perspective.

8 Signs You ARe in Lust and Not in Love:

I’m preparing to move to Paris for about a year or so. One of the major things this involves is getting rid of stuff that I should have tossed forever ago, but just haven’t yet. While tossing clothes and shoes is emotional enough in its own right, what’s really killing me the most is my “box of yesterday.”
True to its name, my “box of yesterday” is a nightmare collection of things from past relationships. I say nightmare, because who saves receipts from Brooklyn Bowl because it has an ex-boyfriend's name on it? This gal. Who thinks it’s necessary to keep shreds of a ripped T-shirt from a wrestling match after too many martinis? Me, obviously.
The project of weeding through these things and deciding which is reasonable to keep and which solidifies me as a straight-up lunatic has forced me to face a fact: My last relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality it was nothing but lust tangled up with infatuation, and because of it I was the most unstable, crazy, jealous, human being I’ve ever been. Looking back now, I blush at who I was, and that I was capable of such insanity because of a man.
With those days officially in my past and locked there safely so I can no longer touch them, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with a guy whom we’ll call “C,” but in lust.
Here’s what I learned from it all. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I suggest you run like hell. Now.

GLNO:  I am this CRAZY person who saves random things from when I see him.  Is the fact that I have every single key card from every single hotel we have stayed at a little creepy?  Or the bottle cap from his beer last time, or the straw from his mixed drink?  Lets not even go into the receipts and travel details I save or the special annotations on my wall calendar in my office that only I understand.....yep lust obsession at a minimum.   Though I will say not as bad as I used to be....if that even means anything.  

1. There’s more fire and less stability

Love — real love — is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, fire can be part of the equation, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional gut blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.  

GLNO:   Oh there is fire alright - no doubt about that.  Chemistry and sexual fire but not really disagreements or drama. I think I have verbally only expressed to him once or twice that i was pissed at him  and he was genuinely apologetic.  Otherwise  - he really doesn't make me mad other then annoying me that he's almost always late.   What bothers me are things he has been less then truthful about - not lying but not being open and forthcoming about  things I have learned on my own over the last few years.  THings I personally chose to go dig for and find out b/c things were not adding up.   I consciously continue to choose not bring those things up to date and to live with it as none of it directly impacts me and our situation.  I've spent way to much time trying to understand his inability inability to be more open and honest as at the end of the day - I'm the one that has everything on the line if caught.  But I don't understand it.  Someone suggested once that he may be scared it will push me or scare me away and he made an offhand comment once why he sometimes wonders why "i am still around".  However his inability to be open and  honest is a common theme for him and with everyone - not just me.  To that point - he has never let me down, not met the expectations I have of this or blown me off.    

So for item #1 - while I want to say its 50/50 - its really lust that wins b/c if it was love - we would be able to be 100% honest.  .And if I brought them up - there would be major drama. ON his part for not being truthful about basic things and me for digging it all up.  Not worth it.  One day I'll ask the one that bugs me most but for now - I'm riding it out.

2. You focus more on the outside than inside

I could stare at C for hours. I was so enamored with his beauty. To me, he was gorgeous from head to toe without a single flaw to be found. I was obsessed with his beauty, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to “tap that” at the end of the night.

GLNO:  HTA is beautiful.  He's sexy.  He is smoldering hot.  Everyone may not think so but he completely does it for me.  He's in his mid 40's and built like a brick wall. He may not be like he was in his college days but he is sexy as hell.  He has this smirk and these milk chocolate brown eyes..I"m obsessed with his hands - they are strong and big and I don't know - I focus on that in pictures just as much as his face.  He's much more masculine then my husband with somewhat of a bad boy player persona.  .I do appreciate that I get to "tap that" when we are together.  That I get to "tap that" multiple times and that the chemistry has not lessened over the years.  I am obsessed with him on some level - but the distance that we are apart keeps it all in check. Focusing on the inside, him as a person - I think he is a good man and a good father. One that wants to do the right things but is really fucked up and that devil sitting on his shoulder overrules him sometimes in making the right decisions - especially when it comes to women.  He doesn't do drugs.  He doesn't drink very much.  His vice is women and being faithful from everything I've learned about his past and what i know about the present.  I don't think he could ever be in a faithful relationship - he has yet to achieve that obviously in the last almost 6 years I've been part of his life.  If I ever did think outside of what this is right now - there is no way I could ever trust him or it would work.

#2 - LUST WINS - I avoid the reality of his behavior in his real world and focus on the chemistry and him.

3. You prefer the fantasy

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

GLNO:   In the beginning, I wanted more - I wanted vacations, and possibly way down the road something more - visions of leaving my husband, etc.  There is a small part of me that still at least wants more then seeing each other every few months in a hotel room and going out to dinner occasionally  (i.e. vacation away,etc ) to see if its a possibility there could be more but I'm no where ready to change my situation at home in the near future and in honesty - I don't think it will be more then this but I live in my fantasy world that this can continue forever - nothing will change and we will remain part of each others lives on this level.  Deep down - I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to WIN and it be on my terms if it ends but I don't know when that will happen b/c right now - I can't fathom not having him in my life at some level.

#3 - LUST WINS- I don't' know that I could ever trust him as I've stated so I continue to live in a fantasy world that he will change and/or this will just continue forever with no bumps in the road.  

4. Why aren’t we having sex right now? 

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

GLNO:  NO question - LUST wins.  I do really enjoy hanging out with him and catching up and talking about personal stuff but once that's done and we are watching a football game or something - I'd much rather just be having sex and then having sex again and again and again.  I'm insatiable when it comes to him.  

5. You’re not friends

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more.

GLNO:  We are friends without a doubt.  We talk/text all the time about things outside of this situation.  Rarely is it about sex outside of when we are actually together.  I value his friendship - is he fucked up ? Yes.  Am I fucked up  in different ways?   Yes.  But he makes me laugh and I seek him out for support for many things.  Because of the distance  - its not as easy as getting together to just fuck and go our separate ways, there is planning and coordination and keeping our "relationship" going in the interim has grown our friendship.

#5 - Love.  Love our friendship, what this has developed into - its not always all about sex although that's a big component - I still would want him around in my life without the sex .  I think if distance was not such an issue - I wouldn't be as obsessive about the sex as I am b/c it would be more frequent and consistent.   But bottom line, we couldn't have the connection that we do and the chemistry that we do without the friendship.  

6. Intimacy doesn’t exist

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

GLNO:  Intimacy does exist between us.  Its not just wild dirty sex - there is passion, tenderness, there is cuddling, there is holding each other and hugs and kisses.  Its not a wham bam and done

#6 - Love wins.  Its more then just sex.  

7. You experience intense neediness

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

GLNO:  This is a mix.  We don't talk as much as we used to.  There are times I get pissy b/c he hasn't responded to something (which is usually something inane I've sent him that requires no response but I get paranoid and he always responds in the end).  The fact that i have some insight into his world that he is not aware of (via the joys of social media) helps keep the crazy in check.  I"m extremely needy when we are together - waiting for him to arrive and  expectations but i never let it show and he really doesn't know. He has never let me down.  I just get uptight until all the pieces fall into place and he is walking through giving me a hug.

#7 - 50/50.

8. The feeling is conditional

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.

GLNO: I don't' know how to answer this.  I know he has a GF (or at least at last visit he still did)  I don't think aside from me that she is the only person he sleeps with but I don't think aside from me there is someone consistent in his life.  I don't think it is within him to be faithful...ever.  I could sleep with someone else and probably not feel guilty for that fact but I don't want to sleep with anyone else but him and I have not yet.  I can say with certainty that if we were together long term in the same city - I would NOT sleep with anyone else.  He knows my husband and I have not had sex in a long long time.  He knows we are going to counseling.  He also knows i"m not sleeping with anyone else.  I don't ask him that - I just have asked him to ensure he doesn't put me at risk with his behavior. 

#8 - Love (fucked up but Love)

Summary:

Total Tally:  Lust wins.  Lust 4.5 vs. Love 3.5

I'm not surprised by this - it's a fucked up situation I readily say that i can't see working long term b/c of his issues but I keep going back.  I question why his GF is with him b/c he is fucked up and she does know everything I've found out but I keep going back.  Its lust - its the chemistry - its him and the physical attraction that keeps pulling me back.  The physical reaction I have to seeing him and the physical reaction that I even get in the anticipation of seeing him falls into the Lust category.  No question about it. 

But I do care about him - I do love him on some level but not on the level of the love I felt for my husband when I married him.  He gives me something I don't have anymore that I really need right now - he makes me feel wanted.  He told me recently that i was the most solid person in his life (which is scary) and at the same time, I know he needs me too on some level. 

Five Years

Yesterday was a crazy work day but it didn't fail to dawn on me that it has been 5 years since I met him and this adventure started.  As I did with my 4 year post, I went back and looked at my posts from each year and where my head was...


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First Post – Spring of 2009:
The Beginning:
I'm having an affair - its emotional on some level (because I believe all women tie some small amount of emotion to sex) but really the majority of it is about the sex. The unbelievable hot dirty mind blowing sex that I have with him. I didn't know sex like that was possible. I've debated for quite a while about writing about this and finally after reading quite a few blogs that are similar in nature, I decided why not?

So a few things...

·         I've been married for 15 years, been together for almost 21

·         We have children

·         I do love my husband – he is not perfect but I love him

·         I'm not perfect either

·         He is the only one who ever made me orgasm until meeting "HTA"

·         This experience has done more for me on many different levels than I ever imagined possible

·         I have no illusions of leaving my husband for HTA - I see it for what it is and what it has done for me

·         I don't feel guilty in terms of my husband

·         I do feel guilty in regards to my family

·         I think about him and sex with him all the time. I know I'm playing with fire....

I met HTA on a girl’s trip to another city. I had no intention of hooking up with anyone. I had never cheated on my husband before. The end result of a lot of sexual frustration in my current situation as well as a LARGE amount of alcohol attributed to us having sex. I don't regret one single moment of it. And it was just not any sex - it was hot dirty raw sex that spanned numerous times over that weekend. I will never think about that city without thinking about HTA and what we have or had if it comes to an end one day. I will never regret it.

As I said above, no man has ever made me come except my husband (which has become less and less frequent) - HTA pushed me and continues to push me to an edge that I have never experienced before. I don't go a day without thinking about him, thinking of him kissing me, licking me, rubbing me and fucking me. I literally crave him.

Since that trip through a series of events, we realized that I travel about 4-6 times a year to a location that is within a few hours of him. Whether it’s me driving to him or him coming to see me - since that fateful trip almost a year ago - we've managed to see each other a handful of times. The sex never gets less intense or amazing and we live over a thousand miles apart.

One Year Anniversary – 04/17/2010:
I met HTA a year ago today. Who would have known that one drunken hookup a year ago today would lead me to where we are now.
After the AM fiasco that I blogged about - I just spent time re-reading all my posts about HTA for some insight. I needed perspective about what was driving me to seek something I'm not getting at home.

As I re-read about how we met, how it has progressed and our history in general. All the details that become dimmer as time goes on, they are now so vivid in my mind. It's amazing how much things have changed on different levels. Initial entries were all about the attraction and tension and raw hot sex and while we still have amazing incredible "oh my god" sex - there is so much more now to our connection. I still don't go a day without thinking about him, fantasizing about our next visit, his arms around me, his lips, his touch.

I have to reflect on what he has done for me on a personal level. He makes me feel desirable; sexy; uninhibited and free. He makes me feel alive. He listens to me and doesn't immediately assume I need him to "fix it", he's supportive, he's complimentary, he's in my cheering section and is proud of me for my career achievements (not threatened like my husband).
Even if this ended tomorrow, I won't ever regret the time I've had with him as it really has made me a stronger person in how I view myself and feel about myself and understand what I deserve and have the right to.

This post was a lot harder to write then I expected it to be because it really makes me see what I need, what I was seeking in signing up with AM and the fact that HTA is it. I must remind myself to take it one day at a time, it is what it is. 

Two  Year Anniversary – posted on 04/18/2011:
Over the weekend marked two years since I met HTA and I can say - a year ago, I wasn't sure how long it would continue....and here we are another year later. I can still say that I don't know how long but for whatever it is - I don't regret one second.

I reread my one year anniversary blog and I can say that everything I wrote there - I still feel if not more.

Three  Year Anniversary – posted on 04/17/2012:
Today marks the 3rd year from when HTA and I met. I've been debating coming back from going to a private blog and think today is as good of day as any all things considered.   I probably will not repost all the history but things with HTA continue and I'm completely grateful for the fate that occurred 3 years ago, 1000 miles away that brought us together for what should have been a one night stand. I saw him just recently - I still get butterflies when I first see him, the chemistry is still as HOT and intense as it ever was and I still feel this empty gut wrenching void when I leave him.

He has become my sanity and escape for my current situation....the thought of this stopping is honestly too much for me to think about some days even though physically - we don't see each more than 5 times a year - the communication is almost daily . I think that says much for what our relationship has evolved into in that it’s beyond just the physical.

A day at a time and it is what it is.

4 years later – 04/17/2013

So much has happened in the last year – the drama in his world –me seeing a side of him that I had not before despite the picture I had in my head and wanted to believe.  How fundamentally different we really are but yet so many things in common – how different our “real lives” are from each others. Not necessarily one bad vs. one good - just different.  The aspect of the possibility of him having another child he has never told me about (which I still can’t begin to understand).  The fact he is “dating” someone and has been for 6-7 months now but yet this continues with me with no end in sight.  I have ever known where this will go  – I still don’t.  I wonder why we still have this connection and what draws me to him despite all I have learned over the last year.    But I still don’t’ regret this or him and the thought of him not in my life on some level – I can’t fathom it.  

He still makes me smirk, he still gives me butterflies, its still amazing when we are together and I still value and need him outside of the physical aspect of what this is.  

I will see him again in a few months – I’ll be there for longer then I normally am.  I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing.  Being subjected to someone’s real life obligations and reality isn’t as fun as what is contained within the hotel walls and during the time I spend with him avoiding reality.  I’m just going to keep going at the pace it is – no pressure – no expectations just letting it be exactly what it has been the last 4 years. 

5 years later - 04/17/2014:
I just saw him last month.  The chemistry, the connection, its all still there.  He has even commented on it in that it blows him away how this much time into it -how its still this good.  The Chemistry.  The Connection.  The Sex.  When I look at my first blog and said I had no illusions of leaving my husband for HTA - I think over the last 5 years, there have been times where i wanted more - I wanted something more but I didn't know what.  But coming back full circle - it is what it is.  Its this amazing friendship with this incredible benefits.  When I was there last time, we had a very deep discussion about my marriage - I told him everything that was going on - not something that I have ever done.  Maybe bits and pieces here and there but not full blown "here is everything",.  He actually had sympathy for my husband on some levels and it made me think of things differently.  I have recently given my husband some ultimatums and I can finally say that I think he trying - like really trying.     I know HTA knows I need to make the decisions regarding my husband and will never pressure me and be a reason for what I decide.  I know that I can't use HTA as a reason and that I need to be prepared to be alone if its a decision I make.  I don't' know if its fixable  - I don't know what the future holds and I don't know that I can ever give up what I have with HTA but nor can I say I'd ever leave my husband.  I know a lot of people don't get that (females probably more then males) but its how I feel.  .

I probably won't see HTA for at least 3-4 more months but at this point - he continues to be my sanity and escape.  There is just this comfort level between him and I and what this is - he has never asked me for more then what this is and i have never asked him for more then what this is and I think we are both OK with that this is.  Something may change for one of us on down the road but I wouldn't have predicted this 5 years later and I know he would not have either. 

He Still Has It

Almost 5 years later - I can get a simple "Hey You...." on text and he still can give me butterflies and make me smile at the same time.   He is my sanity.