I'm in such a weird place...like a fucking limbo world and don't know how to get out of it and don't know if I want to....
The husband and I have not had sex in almost 2 years...maybe more - I have lost track. The last time I really remember it vividly to completion was on our 15th anniversary trip when we got in a huge fight and i pretty much did it as make-up sex so the rest of our trip would not be tense....
Since then (not really sure exactly when as its not like we were having sex weekly) - he has had issues - ED type issues. About 9 months ago - I told him - he needed to go see a doctor - you know, finally get around to having sex a few different times and it doesn't work and I'm frustrated and feel like failure and he is frustrated, etc so I say - you need to go figure out if this is physical and at that point - I quit trying...b/c he didn't go to the dr. - he didn't initiate - nothing....
So apparently a few weeks ago - he went to his yearly physical (I had no idea) - got a trial of something for ED I have no idea he was going to ask about it. How does he tell me? Tosses a brown paper bag in my lap to look inside and deduce it on my own. While I'm happy he took the initiative to recognize there is an issue and act on it - it was just odd. I felt initially all this pressure to have sex - i.e. had to be planned, take your pill, hope it works, etc and nothing can ever again be spontaneous but nothing really evolved over the past few weeks as we were both so busy/tired/stressed.
Then as we were going on vacation - I purposely mentioned - 'bring it with you'....yep...he forgot it so again...no sex....So at the root of it is that in the past 3 years - I"ve had sex more with HTA who lives 1000+ miles away then with my own husband. Not only sex - but any form of physical affection - anything. I do get the occasional backrub - the spooning in the morning - but no kissing, no hugging - no display of affection ever...not even an arm across the back of my chair when we are out together - the hand on the small of my back - nope. He claims he is not touchy feely and that is why but I don't need some big public PDA but a little something from time to time would help start bridging that gap. I try - put my hand on his thigh when we are sitting by each other - kiss the top of his head when I go to bed...I"m always the one trying. His idea is buying me a new car...- that's showing he loves me. So yep - I've gotten more physically from someone that lives 1000+ miles away from me then my own husband and who I would easily trade a week with HTA for a new car anyday. That is fucked up.
I crave that feeling of being desired and wanting that physical connection but I don't know that i crave it with him anymore...that sounds so horrible but I just am so tired of trying.....I get more out of a sexy text with HTA this morning - two sentances that can send me into my own 50 shades of gray - it does more for me then even beginning to think about initiating sex with my husband,. I do love him but I don't know how to get back what we had - its been so long and there has been so much damage done...does that even make sense? It feels like this brick wall to try and re-establish intimacy with him and while I know it would help - I don't know how to do it - I don't know if I want to do it and why do I HAVE TO DO IT (i.e. why is he not trying more then tossing a brown paper bag in my lap).
I know things with HTA will never be much more then they are now and it is still worth more to me b/c I think I would be dead inside without that outlet...to which I'll see him again in a few weeks....that is the bright spot on my horizon right now and it is fucked up and wrong but I can't get past how I feel when I"m with him and the relationship (dysfunctional as it is!) that we have established over these past 3 plus years and how it does work for being what it is. I've done such a 360 in terms of him (HTA) and what I originally wanted this to be or anticipated it to be but I can't imagine not having him on some level and that feeling of being wanted and desired. He makes me feel that way.
Yet I know when I leave after seeing him in a few weeks, how sad and empty I feel and that pit in my stomach and the tears that well up when he leaves as I bury my face in his pillow- its all worth it b/c for a brief period of time - I've felt alive again and but yet I'm petrified that it will end and I'll never feel that way again....
The husband and I have not had sex in almost 2 years...maybe more - I have lost track. The last time I really remember it vividly to completion was on our 15th anniversary trip when we got in a huge fight and i pretty much did it as make-up sex so the rest of our trip would not be tense....
Since then (not really sure exactly when as its not like we were having sex weekly) - he has had issues - ED type issues. About 9 months ago - I told him - he needed to go see a doctor - you know, finally get around to having sex a few different times and it doesn't work and I'm frustrated and feel like failure and he is frustrated, etc so I say - you need to go figure out if this is physical and at that point - I quit trying...b/c he didn't go to the dr. - he didn't initiate - nothing....
So apparently a few weeks ago - he went to his yearly physical (I had no idea) - got a trial of something for ED I have no idea he was going to ask about it. How does he tell me? Tosses a brown paper bag in my lap to look inside and deduce it on my own. While I'm happy he took the initiative to recognize there is an issue and act on it - it was just odd. I felt initially all this pressure to have sex - i.e. had to be planned, take your pill, hope it works, etc and nothing can ever again be spontaneous but nothing really evolved over the past few weeks as we were both so busy/tired/stressed.
Then as we were going on vacation - I purposely mentioned - 'bring it with you'....yep...he forgot it so again...no sex....So at the root of it is that in the past 3 years - I"ve had sex more with HTA who lives 1000+ miles away then with my own husband. Not only sex - but any form of physical affection - anything. I do get the occasional backrub - the spooning in the morning - but no kissing, no hugging - no display of affection ever...not even an arm across the back of my chair when we are out together - the hand on the small of my back - nope. He claims he is not touchy feely and that is why but I don't need some big public PDA but a little something from time to time would help start bridging that gap. I try - put my hand on his thigh when we are sitting by each other - kiss the top of his head when I go to bed...I"m always the one trying. His idea is buying me a new car...- that's showing he loves me. So yep - I've gotten more physically from someone that lives 1000+ miles away from me then my own husband and who I would easily trade a week with HTA for a new car anyday. That is fucked up.
I crave that feeling of being desired and wanting that physical connection but I don't know that i crave it with him anymore...that sounds so horrible but I just am so tired of trying.....I get more out of a sexy text with HTA this morning - two sentances that can send me into my own 50 shades of gray - it does more for me then even beginning to think about initiating sex with my husband,. I do love him but I don't know how to get back what we had - its been so long and there has been so much damage done...does that even make sense? It feels like this brick wall to try and re-establish intimacy with him and while I know it would help - I don't know how to do it - I don't know if I want to do it and why do I HAVE TO DO IT (i.e. why is he not trying more then tossing a brown paper bag in my lap).
I know things with HTA will never be much more then they are now and it is still worth more to me b/c I think I would be dead inside without that outlet...to which I'll see him again in a few weeks....that is the bright spot on my horizon right now and it is fucked up and wrong but I can't get past how I feel when I"m with him and the relationship (dysfunctional as it is!) that we have established over these past 3 plus years and how it does work for being what it is. I've done such a 360 in terms of him (HTA) and what I originally wanted this to be or anticipated it to be but I can't imagine not having him on some level and that feeling of being wanted and desired. He makes me feel that way.
Yet I know when I leave after seeing him in a few weeks, how sad and empty I feel and that pit in my stomach and the tears that well up when he leaves as I bury my face in his pillow- its all worth it b/c for a brief period of time - I've felt alive again and but yet I'm petrified that it will end and I'll never feel that way again....
I remember the last time I had sex with my wife, and it was before I met T. Yes, I have given up on that aspect of our life, and resigned myself to what it is.
ReplyDeleteWe all need that, to look into someone's eyes and see desire. And in those moments we find it is all worth it.
Speaking as a man who's pushed away his fair share of love, I can honestly say that the 'not being touchy feely thing' is pretty much bullshit. Anyone, regardless of gender, would at least offer up the bare minimum of affection if it was genuinely felt. He should be utilising that ED treatment and surprising you with a good hard poke in the back during the morning spoon. Surely that might bring you round somewhat!! You deserve it.
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